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The evil of tofurkey

Don't you dare call it turkey!

If you ever have the delightful opportunity to visit the sixth level of hell, you'll find that it's populated by large sentient globs of tofurkey, the most evil food on the Earth. What? Do I hear a chorus of vegans sobbing in the distance at the mere mention of this most sacred meat substitute?

Before the national tofurkey alliance slaps me with a restraining order, let me get a few things of my hairy man chest. While I understand the need for people who don't like or choose not to eat meat to have alternatives on Thanksgiving, that doesn't mean you should shape some pliable mass of soy into the vestige of a turkey.

I don't care how much non-chicken or non-beef gravy you smother it in, it's not going to taste like turkey. Sure, you can shape it into something resembling a drumstick, but you can do the same thing with a large pile of cow poop as well. That doesn't mean you should eat it.

If you want to have a nice salad or steam some vegetables or even go for some vegan stuffing, that's fine with me, but don't tell me an artificially flavored loaf of meat substitute is going to taste as good as a gravy covered pile of fresh, moist turkey.

You may not realize this, but tofurkey is actually classified as evil. It's true. Look it up! OK, so maybe evil might be a little strong, but you can't tell me that when Satan sits down to Thanksgiving dinner and gives thanks for his endless eternity of torture that he's not carving a tofurkey loaf. 

There are so many alternatives that vegetarians can use, so why bother with the tofurkey? When in doubt, just eat ham.